With allegations of racism and reports of racist incidents hitting the headlines at an exponential rate, the government has acted to scotch the rise in discrimination with a sweeping, nationwide initiative. Beginning in the summer of this year, the entire population of the British Isles, regardless of age, gender or ethnicity, will have their skin dyed purple.
Making the announcement at a specially convened press conference, David Cameron outlined how standardising the hue of British skin would eliminate all prejudices based on colour. ‘It will be impossible to be a racist if everyone is the same colour purple,’ he said, ‘unless perhaps if you have a particularly strong aversion to Ribena berries.’
The Prime Minister revealed how a government think-tank painstakingly searched for colour that was the least offensive to the populace: ‘bleaching everybody white was obviously a non-starter; while staining brown would leave us open to allegations of positive discrimination. Following much deliberation we decided upon purple, after ruling out green as possibly offensive to Martians upon the event of first contact. As you can see, great pains have been taken to future-proof this initiative.’
Critics have however blasted the scheme, asserting that purple; traditionally a rather expensive dye to obtain; would stretch Britain’s already threadbare economy. ‘We believe that orange would be a far more cost effective colour to use,’ said one activist. ‘For starters this would eliminate the need to dye significant members of the population – sunbed users, perfume counter staff and workers at mustard gas factories for example – thus reducing expenditure. I for one will refuse to shake the hand of anyone dyed purple – and that’s not being discriminatory: being racist is not what Colour Orange Or Nothing is about.’
During the next few weeks, special dying facilities will be set up in municipal boroughs and parish councils throughout the country. ‘Each person will be required to present themselves at their local facility at a prearranged date, where, with their dignity and human rights very much at the forefront of our minds, they will be stripped, plunged into a trough of purple liquid and held down with a pole until the dye has permeated every nook and crevice – a bit like sheep dipping really.’ A high profile public information campaign is due to start this weekend, with public figures such as John Terry, Anton Du Beke and Diane Abbott endorsing the project.