The scientific world accidentally revealed one of its best kept secrets today, which has shocked the world of academe, popular media and broadcasting. Professor Hawking was crossing a road in Cambridge late last evening, when he accidently ran over the foot of a young police constable, who, not recognising the World's Most Famous Scientist, immediatly breathalysed him - and found him to be fifteen times over the legal limit.
He was forcibly detained and taken to Addenbrookes Hospital where the tests were repeated and confirmed. As the news started to emerge in Twitter feeds and blogspots, friends and close colleagues realised that the game was up. "It's been a truth we've kept quiet for some time" said Januscek Slivovitomsky a cosmologist at Harvard, "that Stephen is a real medical miracle, having been deeply pissed from the age of 18 at college when he discovered 'Theakston's Old Peculiar', then moved onto red wine, then single malts. In fact his blood stream has been mainly alcohol for some 40 years now. How do you think he came up with "A brief History of Time"? It's exactly the sort of thing that pops into your head after a tiring day in a Cambridge pub. "No, right, I reckon that black holes won't just suck up everything in the universe, otherwise they'd have a straw. Noooo, what they do is evaporate, like this single malt here did. Barman? Another brace of Arblour please!"
Mr Fidel Smith, a consultant alcologist, spoke to reporters to say "it is very unusual for people with this condition to last this long - we are mystified. We thought that his CV entry 'Fellow of the AU' referred to the Astronomical Union, when it in fact meant 'Alcoholics Unrepentant'". "It turns out he was upset at the thought of having to abstain from alcohol for two days a week".
Meanwhile the young PC, who has remained unamed for now, said in a statement "I thought it was a routine stop, but by the time the squad car arrived I was terrified - he just kept repeating 'exterminate, exterminate, exterminate'".
Thanks to Quaz and Waylandsmithy