The latest British Olympic hopefuls were unveiled at Scunthorpe baths today as David Cameron and Nick Clegg in the synchronised diving. They modelled their trunks (which are a pleasant mid blue with a yellow stripe up the bum crack) for the press and spoke of their dreams for the future.
David has been twisting policies in a falling environment since gaining power and has now reached a world challenging level of political gymnastics. Nick adds much to the pair’s chances of winning gold as he is an adroit follower and after two years of hard training, can sync his own movements and thoughts seamlessly to that of David. Nick’s natural talent at making barely any splash in anything he does also makes for top marks and can make up for David’s tendency to make unnecessary waves.
The pair showed off a few dives for the onlookers and their ‘Sorry Mr Mainwaring’, ‘Stupid Boy’ exchange during the forward pike was an instant hit with the assembled press. Less successful was the triple somersault with economic growth which ended up with both divers spluttering in deep water.
Serious opposition is expected to come from the Merkel and Sarkozy paring, flying under the EC flag. The pair has managed to quash all comers in their European outings so far, though critics are saying that they are holding back from going all the way and cracks are beginning to appear in the union. The weight of expectation and Italy’s debt seems to be leaving their performance underwater.
Outside of Europe the main challenge comes from the Chinese pairing of super mutants Qin X23746A and Qin X23746B. Specially bred just to win the medal and considered as cheats by the other teams, the Olympic commission has had to adjudicate that having wings does not ban a person from competing in the competition as long as their testosterone level is within the human norm.
Even with all the hype, preparations are not going totally smoothly for the British pair. ‘I still have a fear of dropping the lead as we enter the final phase.’ admitted Cameron, ‘Maybe I need a longer chain?’