Apple are rumoured to be close to confirming more details about the eagerly iPhone 5, and that one of its key new features will be touchless ‘pray as you go’ technology allowing users to connect with all kinds of payment systems, but also to set up a wireless hotspot that allows direct access to the celestial musings of Steve Jobs.
The technology will feature a number of apps that can be downloaded from the app store at recommended retail prices of £6.66. Once installed, users will be able to ask for key information on new technologies due for imminent release via the Apple brand. Unconfirmed rumours have included the i-Snake, a touch sensitive electronic reptilian device that allows users to send emails, search the internet, listen to music, and be tempted into the shame of self awareness at their own sexuality and nudity. Some sources claim that the i-Snake will be the first Apple brand to feature a Radio 4 gardener’s question time app.
Other remarkable features of the iPhone 5 will be its ability to regenerate whenever malicious clusters of data pose a threat to its continued functioning. Inspired by jubilant advances in divine hepatology, the non-corporeal Mr Jobs has been able to communicate features of everlasting simplicity and function to the new device.
Insiders at Apple have neither confirmed nor denied the rumour that the new iphone will also feature a controversial device that can crudely assess the general public with a blunt distinction between ‘sheep’ and ‘goats’. Already, there have been reports that a youtube video campaign is planned with viral announcements referencing the ‘sacred flock’ of sheep that renew their contracts for the iphone 5, as opposed to the unruly ‘goats’ that opt for an Android phone.
