Contingency plans for the unplanned death of Mrs Thatcher at exactly the same time as the Olympic games have been unveiled. “One of the main challenges is around transport”, said Locog spokesperson James Kay. “Our contingency is for an extra special lane for official funeral related traffic that will run alongside the Olympic official lane. Athletes themselves will be encouraged to use the cycle lanes, everyday cyclists will be allowed to cycle on the pavement, and pedestrians will be asked to walk in the gutter or stay at home and watch the funeral celebrations on TV.
It’s also possible that the opening ceremony might have to be changed and event director Danny Boyle is understood to be in talks with the Poll Tax Riot Re-enactment Society about a themed opening using fireworks, thousands of police officers and hundreds of horses. Another plan involves using the official aquatic centre in a Belgrano-based tribute, complete with model ships and canonfire, and an attempt at a Guiness record-breaking unemployment queue doing the conga to the music of UB 40.