Sun newspaper agony aunt Deidre Sanders was being held in police custody last night following reports that she had been taking the 'agony' part of her job 'much too seriously'. The arrest took place during an early morning raid on her home in Chingford, Essex after a long-term investigation by, what police chiefs are calling, a 'physically exhausted, but exhilarated' team of detectives.
'Undercover officers had been attending Mrs Sanders' property for months, posing as clients of her one-to-one counselling service,' said team leader Detective Inspector Max Clifford. 'The meetings soon became erotically charged and eventually involved quite some depravity, though the suspect is making a predictable counterclaim that it was all initiated by my officers and that she had felt extremely threatened and intimidated by them. The team had to endure some pretty horrendous abuse but they kept assuring me that they were happy to go back time and time again in order to gather enough evidence against her. One of our officers was even visiting nightly for two weeks straight -- building a solid case was clearly giving him immense job satisfaction.'
Neighbours had witnessed a sobbing Mrs Sanders, barely clothed in a flock nightie, dressing gown and furry slippers, struggling with an officer who was 'trying to forcibly subdue her from behind'. 'It must have been really cold outside,' said one eager neighbourhood watch participant. 'When her top got ripped off, her nipples were poking out like chapel hat pegs. It was all I could do to hold myself still long enough to get some decent photos before I had to put my camera down and give myself a vigorous shake. To be honest, the sight of all that wrinkly skin nearly did for me, but I managed to keep going to the bitter end. I've got some cracking videos if you fancy a look?'
'It may be that selling herself for sex was only a sideline which got out of hand,' said DI Clifford. 'She didn’t exactly own a fully kitted torture-cellar, but we have definitely confiscated enough 'tools-of-the-trade' to demonstrate that she had been doing this for quite some time. She had several items of fairly revealing underwear stored in her bedroom, one small vibrator which we discovered hidden at the back of her underwear drawer and we have even located some extremely sharp knives, secreted away from prying eyes in a block in the kitchen. She was clearly an insatiable, deeply disturbed nymphomaniac.'
'Sun readers will find some comfort that the sickeningly expensive telephone helplines that she used to peddle through her newspaper column on such twisted, depraved subjects as 'erectile dysfunction' or 'marital disharmony' will be out of action for several days, until they get them re-voiced by someone much more wholesome than Deidre Sanders,' said DI Clifford. 'I've been told that Kerry Katona and Lindsay Lohan are in the running.'