The Prime Minister has warned pro-Europeans within the coalition that greater financial integration into the Eurozone would destabilise the pink pound and force the nation to go ‘gay for pay’.
‘Just as straight actors in the adult film industry appear in homosexual movies in order to earn some extra ready cash, so the British economy becoming Euro-curious would make us increasingly vulnerable to the raving lenders in northern Europe,’ Cameron told Europhile colleagues.
In a no-holds-barred message, Cameron cited the example of Greece, which was obliged to literally ‘go Greek’ last year. ‘Athens is now on the receiving end of its creditors – from the bears in Scandinavia, all the way across to the Pacific rim. Closer to home, Ireland is also fully beholden to its Johns and must repeatedly go cap – in this case a peaked black leather one – in hand.’
The Prime Minister has strongly denied accusations of homophobia: ‘some of my best friends are European finance ministers – I have no problem with what they do, so long as it’s done with consenting sovereign states in the privacy of their own economic sphere, but it’s simply something that I’m not comfortable with.
Cameron’s warning has been fully endorsed by the Spanish government. ‘It’s not just a case of putting scatter cushions around the place or playing songs from the shows,’ said a spokesman for the Ministerio de Economía y Hacienda. We bent over backwards but riding bareback with the Germans is no laughing matter – have you any idea what the kind of stuff they’re into? Thank God we’ve got France acting as a lucky Pierre; without them as intermediary we wouldn’t be able to look Europe in the face.’
With manly handshakes to Quaz and Gerontius