Evergreen action hero Sylvester Stallone is taking Hollywood back to the '80s with his latest blockbuster, promising fans he'll perform all his own CGI.
Movie fans have long bemoaned the lack of unrealistic stunt doubles to laugh at in low budget blood baths, the sheer availability of talented computer programmers making shit films a thing of the past.
But Stallone has already clawed back some ground with recent releases, winning plaudits such as 'unintentionally funny' and 'utter, utter bollocks' across a number of influential internet forums.
Stallone told his followers that the action scenes in his latest film, 'The Unbearables', are all his own work. The film tells the tale of an ageing boxer who finds himself in Vietnam, surrounded by monster trucks and high explosives. "I used my own pooter", explained the two-dimensional character, "you'd know if a pro stood in for me. I'm told you can easily spot my style."
With the help of some children, Stallone was repeatedly shown how to look for explosions on YouTube. "It's easy when someone knows how", admitted Stallone. "The kids helped me over and over, they were very understanding. I forget stuff when I blink."
Stallone's unique approach to special effects has drastically reduced the cost of his films. By quickly swinging the camera between the action on set and a video being played on his laptop, almost any unlikely event can be seamlessly inserted into the movie, as long as it's easy to spell.
"We got a helicopter flying out of the sea, then exploding, then being laughed at by a kitten", revealed the star, "and it cost nearly nothing." In fact, Stallone's movie was made on a lower budget than most pantomimes, a situation aided by his unwillingness to pay for a script.
Stallone maintains that a script is unnecessary if you put enough cattle-physiqued actors in one place, and get them to face the right way. "Me, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, David Walliams. With that talent, why buy word papers?”, he asked. But some costs are inevitable.
With takings down slightly for Stallone’s last film, the studio is putting some pressure on him to deliver. Stallone now admits it was a mistake to design the posters himself, and still has a crayon lodged in his armpit. “We got a professional make-up artist this time, she does all the growth hormones and steroids. It’s easy to push a needle in a bit too far, I learnt that the hard way”, he admitted. Fortunately for the big man, audiences are yet to notice that Jason Statham’s frontal lobes have been botoxed.