There’s been a change to U.S. politics. This year, rather than debating, all of the Republican candidates will be battling one another in hand-to-hand combat in order to see who will get to run against President Obama.
Candidate Rick Perry led this charge for change.
“What we need is a strong candidate,” said Perry at a recent press conferences. “Someone who can really rip the throat out of other countries out there. America needs a strong leader—someone who’s not afraid to get his hands dirty. It’s time we stop talking and sort this out like men.”
Here Perry looked into a news camera and said, “Bachmann, I’m looking at you.”
Bachmann, who was recently in the Midwest for the Iowa Caucus, told a local news organization there that Perry can “bring it.”
Obama has already reserved ringside tickets for him and his family.
“I want to see what I’m up against,” President Obama said. “It’s already difficult to win the trust and confidence of voters in the present climate of the country. The least I can do is show them I can take out the competition with my mean right hook.”
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will also be attending the matches, the first of which will feature Bachmann against Perry. Clinton said she’s already placed money on Bachman, who has been seen recently frequenting L.A. Fitness and drinking vast amounts of muscle milk.
“She might be small, but she’s scrappy,” Clinton said. “She’s got just enough crazy in her. She shouldn’t be underestimated.”
The match will take in New Hampshire in place of the caucus, and tickets are already being sold along with memorabilia. T-shirts are available sporting such logos as “Pulverize Perry” or “Beat it out of Bachman.”
The change in politics is also attracting international attention, with foreign ministers flying in from around the globe to watch the fight, including German chancellor Angela Merkel and North Korea’s new leader, Kim Jong-un.
Lizzy Thompson, a New Hampshire citizen, will be attending the match. When interviewed, she was wearing a shirt that read, “Republican Rage: first annual republican caucus cage-match.” Once she heard there would be a fight in her home state, she said she knew she had to get tickets.
“This is the most exciting thing to happen to U.S. politics in a long time,” she said. “Finally we’ll be able to see clearly who the strongest candidate is, instead of just talking about it. It’s good to finally see some action.”
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U.S. Republican nominees to forego debates, cage-fight for candidacy
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