Among the thousands of patents that Google has bought off IBM recently is number 55378008, Use of the tongue to manipulate a touch sensitive device. Though the patent itself is quite simple, the effect of it being owned by a bunch of power crazed lawyers is startling.
‘We think that the patent has many applications beyond mobile phones and are currently compiling a list of brothels that offer mouth to sensitive device services to get our share of the profits.’ Explained Jim Hicks, the head of Google’s ‘We’ll stop the bastards doing that’ legal department.
‘We are also looking to prevent disabled people from using their mouth operated wheelchairs unless they purchase the relevant android app first and in future all dogs will be charged for licking their balls. As you can see we are taking the corporate policy of ‘don’t be evil’ very seriously here and will be placing random restrictions on the freedom of the world to prevent accidental evil from happening.’
‘It’s outrageous’ exclaimed Bobby Sands local nutter and anti-Google campaigner. ‘If I want to tongue my I-pad, till the screen becomes an indecipherable smear of cookie and chocolate ice-cream then I bloody well will and no left wing hippy android abuser is going to stop me.’
Apple was consulting its legal department on the threat to its products from this new patent but considers that its patent 69 for, ‘interfacing two humans during sexual deviance’ currently takes precedence over the Google patient when applied to any part of the human body. ‘When we can perfect a cock that glows blue, has a white plastic and aluminium casing and ends in a USB port, then we be making full use of our patent on a global scale’ said a research and design expert.
Kevin Harper Google’s chief technical officer assured us that use of the tongue on smart phones was to be fully integrated as soon as possible, ‘We currently have issues with the interface as the phones keep swelling up uncontrollably and calling premium rate numbers. Once that issue is fixed, the interface will be released free to all versions of the Android operating system, however we do still have a dislike of Windows lickers.’
