The Chief Constable of Nottingham today appealed to the Government for additional funding to tackle the growing threat of motorised wheelchair and disabled scooter gangs. “The city centre is rapidly becoming a no-go zone,” said the Chief Constable. “Innocent drunken revellers are being targeted at the very time they are at their most vulnerable. After 14 pints, they are not capable of defending themselves. We are doing all we can, but we just don’t have the manpower.”
“It’s appalling,” said a 23-year-old victim who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals. “We were weaving through the street after a few bevvies when the Wheelie Brigade struck. No matter which way we staggered, we were on a collision course with them.” “They are so intimidating,” his girlfriend added. “We were trying to hold each other up on the way between pubs, when one of these idiots forced us apart. I fell over and my knees are badly grazed.”
“They’re a menace,” agreed Becky Richardson, 19. “I was just walking along minding my own business and sending a text message when I fell over this guy on a disabled scooter. He had the damn cheek to say it was my fault for not looking where I was going! Unbelievable!”
The city centre also has a huge problem with the monthly gathering of “Cruisers.” Dozens of disabled scooter and motorised wheelchair users gather to show off their customized machines, and do circuits of the Old Market Square at speeds of up to 4 mph, fuelled by doses of pain-killing anti-arthritic drugs.
“We are proud of our vehicles,” boasted Ethel Watson, 79. “My own scooter sports a comprehensive collection of toy furry animals, and my friend Harry has added a Grandad’s Taxi sticker to his.”
Local residents and shopkeepers paint a different picture. “They have no consideration for anyone,” said William Hubbard, 28. The noise is dreadful. They race around playing Daniel O’Donnell albums, and then there are the shrieks of pain and foul language as they run into peoples’ ankles.”
A public meeting to discuss the problems will take place next Friday at 7.30pm on the third floor with no lift access. All welcome.