A spokesperson for the British Heart Foundation said “it’s a terrible shame, but dozens of men die needlessly each year because other men won’t perform CPR out of fear they may look like they are enjoying it”
Previous awareness campaigns in the 1980s featured an actor alternating between the kiss of life and the Heimlich Manoeuvre with a male dummy inside a cupboard, accompanied by instructions read out in time to a disco soundtrack; the British Heart Foundation admits now, in hindsight, that the infomercial might have built up something of a negative stereotype which they’re keen to do away with.
One man who didn’t want to be named, described what happened after he saved the life of his former best friend who'd had a heart attack at a Sunday kick-about “I was ostracised from the team, there would be hushed whispers and eventually I had to accept that the simple act of performing the kiss of life on a pal made them all think I was a bit of a bumdar.”
To this the BHF said “With our new campaign, we hope to make CPR look more like an act of Alpha Male dominance, even a bit like a fight. We suggest that it would even be fine to intersperse punches to the chest with the odd one to the face to make it look like a really savage beating.”
The new awareness films will star Jeremy Clarkson and Steve McFadden cruising the streets of Hull in a Monster Truck while drinking beer and stopping to give first aid to former Olympic shot-putter Geoff Capes in the middle of a construction site, before sending him on his way with a friendly punch on the shoulder and the new campaign slogan “now don’t let me catch you dying again, you big pussy.”