A spokesman for Buckingham Palace has promised an immediate investigation into claims, revealed in a national newspaper, that popular discount website Groupon was offering customers the chance to purchase a place on the 2012 New Year Honours list.
‘This is a very serious matter and we need to determine whether there is any truth in these rumours.’ said the spokesman, ‘If these honours were available for sale to anybody, rather than by nomination from the right sort of people, then we could end up with commoners receiving awards, and that really wouldn’t do.’
The story broke after a journalist overheard Peter Vaughan, an unemployed 19 year old from Luton, bragging about his new MBE, and pressed him for further details.
‘I’ve never had much luck with the ladies, so when I saw that I could get an award from £60 through Groupon, and choose what it was for, I thought this could reverse my fortunes.’ explained Peter, who rarely leaves the house, but now has an MBE for services to being great at doing sex, ‘I’ve been wearing my medal everywhere I go, in the hope that it will help me impress, and girls have started paying more attention to me. I’ve already been the subject of two restraining orders, and I’ve only had it a couple of days.’
The offer allegedly ranged from £60 for an MBE, up to £6,000 for a knighthood, but only the MBE and CBE are thought to be affected, as the others did not achieve a high enough sign-up rate to make the deal valid.
‘If this is true then it really is quite a worrying breach, but we’re confident that we can go back through and remove the honours from those that were not awarded them legitimately.' continued the Palace spokesman, 'To be honest the awards for ‘general all round awesomeness’ and for ‘pwning noobs at Call of Duty’ did seem a little suspicious at the time. I suppose that explains how Helena Bonham Carter got a CBE though. What? That was a real one? You’re joking right?’