New evidence shows that millions of ego implants inserted into the heads of celebrities and children in recent decades may be faulty.
Originally designed to prolong the careers of celebs as their original talent started to droop, or to add the illusion of depth where the talent was too thin to start with, the implants had initial success with the likes of Boyzone and the Spice Girls in the 1990s.
The implants contain no harmful substances as such; in fact they work best when empty. Early examples contained a high-grade vacuum and were prone to implosion. For singers such as Robbie Williams, each collapse meant that in order to provide a sufficient ego boost, the next implant had to be even bigger than the one before.
Later models containing air were more stable and cheaper to manufacture. Suddenly anyone could become a celebrity, at least in their own mind. The implants were also reshaped so they could be inserted nasally without any specialist training, and soon the practice was no longer restricted to TV producers and talent show mentors seeking to provide a quick-fix boost to the fragile egos in their care.
Teachers and parents everywhere began giving implants to millions of children to provide instant self-esteem. ‘It was so much easier than the traditional methods of working to develop something of real substance, or accepting what nature had given you,’ said one teacher.
This situation in itself might be manageable, but a major fault has been identified recently following the irrationally optimistic behaviour of Eurozone leaders, all thought to be carrying the implants. ‘It appears that the hot air inside the implants causes them to expand as time goes on, gradually pushing out genuine brain tissue,’ said a scientist. ‘Unless urgent action is taken, we’ll have created a whole generation of complete airheads.’