Police have revealed that a panda has been taken into custody in Edinburgh charged with domestic abuse. Police have released the following statement:
"Officers were called to Edinburgh Zoo not long after the Bells after reports of violence in an enclosure. The pandas in question are Chinese immigrants hoping to start a new life in Scotland. For legal reasons we cannot reveal their identity, and as such they will be simply referred to as Mr and Mrs Panda.
From CCTV footage we have ascertained that Mr Panda had been drinking heavily all night in the run up to the New Year. It appears that he had somehow got hold of a crate of Buckfast and was wandering around terrorising the locals. This may have been an attempt to fit in with the local community.
When Mrs Panda asked her husband to calm the fuck down he lashed out and struck her about the face. He then left to watch the fireworks, which he claimed had been made by his cousin. When Mr Panda returned a few hours later, clutching a can of super lager and deep fried, battered bamboo, he continued the assault on his wife.
When the police finally arrived Mr Panda had collapsed in a pool of piss and was snoring loudly. Mrs Panda has gone to stay with her closest relative at the zoo, a Mr and Mrs Bear, whilst Mr Panda is sleeping it off in the cells.
This is a highly unusual case, and one of the worst our officers have had to deal with. He must have given her a hell of beating as we have never seen such black eyes."