Research Scientist shows conclusive proof Dolphins are talking about him
(7 posts) (5 voices)
That is a thing of beauty.
Superb. The academic zeitgeist in a sentence - genius.
Professor Ray Hibbery, a Research Scientist working on Animal Communication Modes, has recently shown that the Dolphins under his study were talking about him. Hibbery's conclusions came after two years of intensive study primarily focussing on monkeys and dolphins and showed that after repeated stimulation dolphins 'discussed' their treatment and even nicknamed the Professor.
Using a highly complex algorithmic translation process controlled by a sophisticated series of computers and sensors Hibbery was initially amazed to learn that the dolphins were 'bored', craved a brightly coloured ball and wanted more food. After hitting this primary breakthrough Hibbery developed the translation process even further to listen in on conversations discovering that although highly intelligent the dolphins could be very cruel and hurtful. Initially, Hibbery states, the name calling and snickering were fascinating but then they turned very personal, even mocking his inability to find a mate, his personal odour problem and constant nervous sweating.
Whilst the breakthrough is huge in scientific terms, Hibbery is unlikely to return to his studies as he is now sure the monkeys are now planning an elaborate practical joke at his expense as well as dropping faeces in his tea 'for giggles'.
Is this working?
It's getting there. A couple of suggestions:
Need to know what the nick-name is "Lubbery" "Ray No-Mates" "Little Dick" or something like that;
Monkey final para needs strengthening, e.g. female chimps have started to wear lipstick and flirt just to wind him up, whilst the males put on a fine display of huge testicles - or summat like that.
Keep at it!
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