Eric Pickles, the svelte, popular and much respected Secretary of State for Communities & Local Government, says that the Government will hit the ground running (or at least gently bouncing) in the new year "...building on our outstanding successes of the last two years."
"We've already freed-up various 'dormant areas' of public life. The Healthy Choice menu at Westminster for instance? Ditched. Bank accounts unused for more than five years? Liberated, to fund 'The Peoples' Bank'. Under-used bedrooms, or even entire homes? Now released from the petty bureaucratic red-tape of 'ownership' and available for use by the homeless. That'll apply to you relatively poor people of course, not to those of us in government. As an MP I need to have two homes. Or risk travelling on a train and running into real people on their way to and from real work."
"In 2012 we will roll out this approach into the private vehicle sector. So, as from 1st March, any spare seats in your business car may be allocated to another commuter. If you have a 'second car' it may be allocated to someone else on a first-come-first-served basis." Long queues are anticipated from mid-January at Highgrove, where it is believed that Prince Charles keeps at least one classic Aston Martin. Radio Disc Jockey, TV chat show host and Celebrity Ginga Chris Evans has removed the wheels from his collection of fifteen Ferraris and hopes that they can be re-classified as modena sculpture. "No chance!" says Pickles, "If I can squeeze myself into it I rather fancy that white Daytona convertible for the weekends."
Once this new scheme has bedded in, says Pickles, the Government plans to move on to other areas of life. Dormant or particularly under-used wives will shortly be allocated to husbands more likely to make fuller use of them. Amongst the first expected on the market are the Countess of Wessex and the estranged wife of TV rent-a-gob Jeremy Clarkson. Then, providing the relevant spell-check software can be tweaked, they may be joined by Ffion Hague. Her husband William, the Foreign Secretary, was unavailable for comment today. He is apparently away on an overnight trip with a close friend and former special adviser.