A poll of leading politicians reveals that their best hope for 2012 is some kind of End of the World event based on an ancient Mayan prophesy. “I’ve looked at all of the options” explained David Cameron “and it really seems that the best we can hope for is a massive world ending event, possibly a Biblical style flood as predicted by some interpretations of the Mayan calendar. I really haven’t got any better ideas”. Deputy PM Nick Clegg agreed and is said to be “Actively praying” for an apocalypse since his participation in the coalition government saw his poll ratings drop to marginally above those of something unpleasant that has been trodden in and walked into the house.
Labour leader Ed Milliband tried to add a touch of levity to his pronouncement of doom by using a funny voice, but his message was similarly downbeat. “These are tough times, and it’s only going to get worse. A labour government would aim for a quick, clean explosion of the Sun or the core of the Earth rather than a protracted Tory death by drowning, when the rich will buy all the high things and hang on for a few days longer before the dark waters close over their heads.”
Eurozone leaders have given broad support to the idea of the End of the World, but are divided as to a preferred method. France and Germany are said to be favouring an extinction level event such as a massive asteroid strike, while Italy suggested the Second Coming, and Ireland made a bold play to support it’s export drive by proposing a massive global bender on Guinness and Jameson’s. Despite their differences, all of them agreed that the End of Days would get them off the hook. US President Barack Obama is said to be actively considering the idea, while the Republicans will vote against him no matter what his decision, “Just because”.
When asked for their views on Armageddon, Iran and North Korea replied “We’re working on it”.