While it is often said that regardless of how depraved, sordid and immoral your innermost secret sexual fantasy is, someone will already have tried it, and put the results on the internet, Jim Morris of Kendal was deeply troubled to find that a key word search on Google for a lifelong sexual ambition returned a message claiming the terms used did not match any documents.
At first suspecting he had misspelled one of the words involved, Morris went on to look for individual elements of his fantasy in a desperate attempt to find like-minded people. However even this scaled back search only found results detailing the one thing they drew the line at in the self-styled “sleaziest massage parlour in Bangkok”, and as an answers.com response to the question, “What’s the one thing someone could do to make themselves more loathsome than Piers Morgan?”.
Morris is now said to be having sleepless nights brought on by his realisation that his desires are deemed too disgusting even for the internet, and also by nightmares sparked by image results for a secondary search he did hoping to find that he wasn’t alone in having fantasies too weird for online porn by Googling the terms PVC, soft cheese, John Prescott and glass table.
However the incident has had an upside for the family of Morris, thanks to the knowledge gained from the failed pursuit of his twisted sexual needs. His daughter is now happy to know where she can get an affordable new saddle and stirrups for her pony, his brother-in-law relieved to find someone with knowledge on how to beat the spread of stinging nettles in his garden, his cousin delighted to receive advice on the best diet for a lactating Cocker Spaniel, and his mother grateful to know how to go about pickling a large marrow.
Morris is also now a fully paid-up member of the Christine Hamilton Fan Club.