Royal watchers have confirmed that the reason for Prince Philip’s extended hospital stay is not due to any serious health monitoring reasons but because the 90 year old Prince was, over the Christmas period, visited by a number of apparitions, demanding that he amend his pointed and sometimes rude public ways.
The first to appear at the Prince’s bedside was the Ghost of Christmas Gaff past. A hospital porter says that the Prince described the figure to his consultant cardiologist as‘someone in a fur-lined robe with a holly branch on their head’. Initially, he believed the ghost to be Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, in her bridal outfit and offered her his customary greeting of an apple and sugar-lump. The Spirit then brought the Duke to the moment of Prince Charles’ first Christmas holiday at Gordonstoun. The Spirit showed the Duke of Edinburgh the sight of him despairing at the young Prince Charles perform a car-park rendition of the Ying Tong song to his peers, but laughing vigorously when the other boys gave Prince Charles a sound ducking in the school pond whilst all shouting – ‘Look, he’s fallen in the water!’and violating him with his own bag-pipes.
Next, the Ghost of Christmas Gaff Present took the Prince on a tour of the poverty but also festivity of London, finishing off at Princess Anne’s home, Gatcombe Manor, where Vice Admiral ‘Tiny Tim’ has been willfully emotionally crippled by years of reckless riding by the leading equestrian. The most terrifying apparition was the Ghost of Christmas Gaff Yet To Come who showed the Prince visiting a special needs primary school in Salford , listening to the school band and saying – “You were playing your instruments? Or do you have tape recorders under your seats?”
Doctors feel sure that such hallucinations are not unusual after a serious heart scare but the Duke has promised to change his style. To make good on his vow he has already sent Tiny Tim Lawrence a large turkey to hid inside when the Princess Royal attempts to make sexual advances. He has also promised to take in the Far East as part of the 2012 Jubilee Tour to disprove his comments on Asians, although he did say that the Queen knew that he must be having a heart attack because, ‘only someone in that much pain would have eyes that looked slittier than a Chinaman's’