A provision in the much maligned No Child Left Behind Act has helped Arne Duncan, United States Secretary of Education, succeed where Jesus Christ failed. What is particularly remarkable is that Duncan’s success came without 140 mile per hour winds, a record storm surge and tornadoes.
At yesterday’s press conference in the white house’s south auditorium, Duncan announced that he had expelled Louisiana and Mississippi from the union. Duncan’s move, coming in the wake of dire fourth grade reading results, boosted the nation’s overall reading proficiency from 30% to 90%.
“I would like to thank those who showed faith in me as I single-handedly raised our country’s reading proficiency to its highest level ever. Your faith inspired me to succeed where unfunded mandates, feel good initiatives, and Hurricane Katrina all failed”.
Jeffrey Hosher of Fox News asked Duncan if he would address criticism that he acted in haste by not giving the Son of God an opportunity to perfect his hurricane skills.
Duncan said, “Son, the simple truth is that poor kids cannot be taught to read because they are cognitively deficient. Over 90% of the children in Mississippi and Louisiana live in filthy hopeless poverty and their fathers, the few who actually stick around long enough to knock mommy up for the 10th time, are stick legged alcoholics with distended livers and bulbous noses who thankfully die before they’re 30. My detractors, bless their hearts, would have preferred that we kick the proverbial dead horse and sink billions into initiatives that have never and will never work in Mississippi or Louisiana”.
Duncan continued “It seems that my esteemed detractors didn’t know we were surpassed in reading by Australia. Yes, you heard right. Fucking Australia”. “And get this. We were only three percentage points above the mother fucking Isle of Crete”. “My respected detractors would have me sit on my butt hoping and praying that the next big one will actually hit at 30 degrees North Latitude this time”.
Christiane Amanpour of CNN News said, “Ninety six percent of Louisiana residents and ninety seven percent of Mississippians rely on public assistance for basic needs and, now that these states have been severed, residents will not have access to medical care, food or clean water. Young children and the elderly will be the most severely affected with hundreds of thousands dying from everyday diseases like the common cold while competition for food will escalate to violence. Chaos will rule until a group of militant extremists takes over and enslaves the rest. They will commandeer the food sources and weapons and those who don’t die by random executions will suffer slow agonizing deaths from starvation. Does this bother you, Mr. Duncan?”
After the conference, Duncan graciously gave me a moment of his time to answer a question. I asked why he didn’t expel Texas, also.
He said, “Picture for a moment how United States citizens would react if they couldn’t watch the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders do that pretzel move or their pole dancing routine. That’s the closest many guys come to scoring anything. The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders are a symbol of what all of our little girls can aspire to”.