Following a time and motion study by secure access consultants, entry to the kingdom of heaven is to be modernised. The Pearly Gates are to be replaced by Pearly Turnstiles, equipped with iris, fingerprint and halo recognition technology. The benefits of the new system are said to be enhanced security and shorter queues, although the meek and the righteous are understood to have rarely become impatient while waiting.
The traditional method, known as the Night Club approach, had become outdated, according to the consultancy team. This involved Saint Peter, assisted by his team of large, shaven-headed, converted sinners from Paradise Security Ltd, establishing whether the applicant’s name was on a list. “I don’t care who you are, your name’s not on the list so you’re not coming in,” were the last words many heard before receiving a good kicking and being cast into eternal damnation.
It is understood that the requirements for entry into the land of everlasting peace and happiness will not change under the new system. However, the new access control Pearly Turnstiles will be computer-controlled using a large database, updated automatically on the committing or repenting of sin. An individual’s fate will therefore be in the laptop of the Gods.