Whilst on a training flight early this morning, tragedy struck the revered figure, known in many parts of the world as Father Christmas or Santa Claus. It is understood that Santa had been whooping it up with his reindeer when he was hit by a plane.
The reindeer, led by the exuberant Dasher, were stretching their legs after twelve months of idleness and were eagerly anticipating the biggest event on their admittedly, mostly empty calendar. It's rumoured that the effects of climate change and a warming earth had disoriented the team - they usually navigate by observing glaciers, which have been melting at an unprecedented rate.
“Ignoring intercontinental air space regulations and being out of date with the effects of climate change are a definite hazard when you take to the skies so rarely” confessed a visibly devastated spokesperson for Santa.
Lawyers are vying to represent Santa’s interests; figures in the millions are rumoured for the successful firm. However, given that Santa gifts everything he makes, this figure is possibly inflated, as he leaves no obvious estate other than some very shaken reindeer and a battered sleigh.
An international incident is looming with the pilot of the aircraft claiming complete innocence, "I was not flying negligently" he insisted at a press conference earlier today "The mad fool came out of nowhere and didn't even show up on the radar. Then WHAP! Couldn't see a thing for presents, sleigh and reindeer".
Worldwide anger is reaching fever pitch and will probably top Russia’s rage at America trying to bring the internet to its knees with the proposed SOPA bill, and be larger than China’s chagrin at America setting up a military base in Darwin, Australia.
Human Resources representatives for Santa are scurrying to find a suitable replacement. Advertisements for this part time, voluntary position, have been placed on-line and they’re scouring the world to find someone with an astounding level of athleticism, generosity and genuine cheerfulness.
The incumbent will naturally be provided with a tailor made suit as the current one is badly worn in addition to being torn and bloodstained.
A note just to hand advises that the successful applicant need not be fat, Anglo-Saxon or male: the situation is obviously extremely dire and tension is mounting by the hour.
Worryingly, candidates are unlikely to have their references vetted thoroughly given the short timeframe and urgent need to fill the vacancy. Parents are therefore reminded to keep a close eye on their children until after Christmas Day and all credentials have been checked.
(I can't work out how to add a photo. Sorry. I was inspired by a pic of flattened Father Christmas painted onto the nose of a plane. Simply brilliant!)
