Children at Ventnor’s annual Christmas Fayre were left in tears today when told that Father Christmas had called off his scheduled appearance. It was no consolation when they found out the unlikely reason – Santa (alias Fred Jong-il, 74 of Primrose Crescent) had to pull out on receiving the news that he had been appointed the new President of North Korea.
“I’m mortified at letting the kids down,” said sprightly pensioner Fred at his bungalow this morning, "but I just didn’t feel up to it in the circumstances. It’s all been a bit of a shock really. To be honest, it hasn’t really sunk in yet. I mean it’s not every day you get a call from the other side of the world saying you are now the dear leader of 23 and a half million Koreans.”
Fred’s wife Betty, 72, takes up the story. “At first we thought it was a joke call. Fred’s brother is always playing pranks like this, but then it began to dawn on us it was absolutely genuine. We weren’t quite sure where Korea was at first, but now we’re quite looking forward to it. We’ve never been further east than a holiday weekend in Belgium, so it’ll be quite exciting I suppose. Do you know if they have digestive biscuits over there? Only, Fred can get a bit of a tyrant if he doesn’t have digestives to dunk in his tea.”
The Foreign Office confirmed that Mr Jong-il’s appointment was genuine. It appears that, when Kim Jong-il’s will was opened yesterday, his son and assumed heir Kim Jong-un, had in fact been disinherited. In a final twist of the late dictator’s unhinged logic, he had nominated his third cousin Fred, who had written a post card to him in 1984 with best wishes from sunny Isle of Wight.
Neighbours in Ventnor were amazed at the news. Mrs Elsie Himmler who lives next door said “I’m absolutely gobsmacked. Fred and Betty Jong-il are as English as roast beef and Yorkshire terrier.”