Public misunderstanding over Cameron’s Big Society policy has been blamed for a dramatic increase in obesity it was revealed yesterday. The flagship government policy was misunderstood by many to simply mean shovelling even more greasy, deep-fried snacks in to their cakehole’s.
‘I thought they wanted a bigger society?’ said 24-stone Sharon between bites of her chocolate-coated KFC family bucket for one ‘That’s why I increased my calorie intake to that of a small whale, anything I could do to help. My cholesterol’s now so high that last time I cut myself it was like strawberry jam coming out’.
‘It’s completely irresponsible’ complained Professor Sampson from the University College London Hospital ‘Many people argue that they’re simply big boned. But we’re seeing bones that would be big for dinosaurs for Christ’s sake. What about the strain on the NHS? And I’m not just talking about resources, when I leave the hospital at night I can actually hear the building creaking’.
Despite the criticisms the developments have benefitted the ailing manufacturing industry. JCB have launched a new range of mobility scooters ‘We essentially just modified a steam roller’ a spokesperson said. And Primark have launched a new clothing range ‘“Behemoth Sport” is for the larger tracksuit wearer’ explained a spokeswoman ‘And the differing sizes are indicated by which Glastonbury tent they most closely resemble’.
In addition Boeing have also launched the new Jumbo-Jumbo Jet. The 270ft long, 240ft wide aircraft comfortably seats four. Although it’s feared that airports may need alterations as it takes three miles of runway to finally launch into the air before cruising at a comfortable 25-feet. This may also cause some problems over built up areas.
32-stone Stuart Jones from Stockton-on-Tees complained ‘Well it’s the government’s fault ain’t it?’ before briefly falling asleep in his armchair and upon reawakening adding ‘Have you eaten all my biscuits?’
Shocked at the misunderstanding a government spokesperson said ‘The government are mortified that people could be confused by such a clear mandate. We simply meant that the things you pay taxes for us to do, we now want you to do voluntarily. But do please keep those taxes rolling in’.
One political commentator added ‘Well that’s the problem with politician’s using these vacuous sound bites. Being meaningless platitudes they’re ripe for misunderstanding. Like when Blair said “Education, Education, Education”. What he really meant was “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you”’.