A research team led by ‘Big’ Ron Fouchier at Rotterdam's Erasmus Medical Centre has created the world’s first mutant hardcore version of the H5N1 bird flu virus that can be passed via oral-genital contact. The new RH-5N1 (Red Hot 5N1) strain of bird flu is erotic in 80 per cent of human cases but only 350 people have so far been aroused by the disease because, up until now, it could not be passed between consenting adults in the privacy of their own home.
In accordance with Dutch Law, Dr Fouchier was conscripted into the adult entertainment industry after leaving school but chose to jack it in to study Explicit Biochemistry at Rotterdam Polytechnic. Fouchier’s team began by bombarding a crucial genetic sequence of non-sexy bird flu DNA with explicit images of Tory MP Louise Mensch found on an old edition of Have I Got News For You. It was then treated to an audio-book reading of Secret Diary of a Call Girl, by guest-narrator Mariella Frostrup who was suffering from a sore throat at the time. The technique is known as ‘sexing up’.
When viewed under a microscope and compared with a control sample, non-erotic H5N1 had a rather fierce expression in comparison with its raunchy counterpart RHN51, and its DNA double-helix was firmly crossed. However, scientists were able to confirm that the mutated version was looking over its shoulder with its mouth slightly open. Dr Ron said ‘This new virus is easy. I’d hate to think what might happen if it were to fall into the wrong hand.’
Symptoms of infection include a swelling in the groin area, which is often accompanied by hot flushes, profuse sweating and the urge to listen to Barry White’s entire back catalogue in a state of virtual undress. The announcement has led to fears that hospitals will be swept by a winter pandemic of promiscuity, which when combined with nurses who are already up for it, could put a serious strain on NHS beds.
There appears to be no antidote to the virus as yet, but last night the government urged people not turn up at A&E wards expecting one thing to lead to another. Those who suspect they may be infected should take a cold shower and should in no circumstances attempt to put a bit of slack in it.
Health Minister Andrew Lansley today confirmed that pre-emptive measures are being taken including the stockpiling of Strictly Come Dancing DVDs featuring Anne Widdecombe.