Kim Jong-il has today died at the age of 69 from, according to local media, a severe case of caring too much. A secretive figure, much of what we know about his life is cobbled together from official State literature.
• A close personal friend of Eamon Holmes, Kim appeared numerous times on GMTV to give cookery advice
• He issued a nationwide edict in 1998 that height of all citizens is to be strictly measured “from the top of the hair downwards.” It’s unclear whether his successor will continue this or repeal it.
• He slept in an oxygen tent
• He was good mates with Uri Gellar and Macaulay Culkin
• In 2004 Kim competed in Celebrity Big Brother but was the second to be evicted after becoming drunk and rowdy and memorably throwing a platform shoe at Vanessa Feltz when she questioned him about his nuclear programme.
• He once went to a fancy dress party as a Nazi and nobody commented or suggested he stand down
• His favourite drink was Strawberry Yazoo
• He once shot the host and four guests at a party and nobody commented or suggested he stand down
• He was an avid supporter of Wolverhampton Wanderers
• Owned a 1:1 scale model railway running throughout Pyongyang
• He reportedly ordered the kidnapping of the entire cast and production team behind Two Pints of Lager and Packet of Crisps in 2007, but only managed to get Ralf Little. Former US president Bill Clinton later made a personal visit to North Korea to secure Little’s release in time for filming of the 2007 Christmas Special. Kim reportedly continued to send the BBC script ideas for another 18 months after the incident but he eventually became disheartened and gave up.
Kim’s Autobiography I Am Just Brilliant Aren’t I was first released in 1982 to critical acclaim, remaining at the no1 spot in the North Korean book charts since it was first published. It is also the only book available in North Korea, except for his father’s Autobiography I am super excellent
In the most recent revision of Kim’s book he claims;
• to have invented the internet, after a bet with Bill Gates, in 1994
• to have made love to Gail Porter when she still had hair
• he had the first ever Laserdisc player
• he can run faster than a cheetah
• that he can hold his breath for “over an hour”
• to have beaten Vladimir Putin up “at Judo”
• he once sat next to Russ Abbot on the tube
• he has a American Express Gold Card
• he once spend $1.7m on a horse which he then ate after accidently running it over
• that he has the highest ever Street Fighter II score, and that the game was based on him
• he would be appearing in Strictly Come Dancing in 2012 with Jane Torvil