Christmas has again been ruined for Britain’s most credulous man, this time by a late-night text message announcing a safety recall on Sellotape. The recall was made at 12.27am and applies to short lengths of the tape that have come into contact with shiny paper. Jeremy Green couldn’t find the end of the message, but he picked up enough to know that for the eighth successive year, the family’s Christmas had come unstuck.
“I couldn’t believe what I was reading: the chemicals in short lengths of Sellotape, when applied firmly to glossy paper, can explode if disturbed”, revealed Green, an amateur postman from Tring. “At any other time of the year it wouldn’t have been a problem, but I suppose the firm wasn’t to know I’d used their product to wrap all my Christmas gifts. Talk about bad timing.”
Taking the warning at face value, the father-of-none of his children leapt into action. Green donned a fairy outfit, grabbed the turkey baster his neighbour had lent him for some reason, and ran outside to raise the alarm. “It was sheer luck that a fairy costume in my size turned up last week, even if I wasn’t sure how the flashing wings would protect me. I didn’t really understand how drenching suspect packages in a dairy-based cocktail could prevent explosions either, but most of the evidence was there in front of me, in this blessed text. There wasn’t time to think, this was one of those moments to throw reason to the wind”, declared Green. “Sellotape was a clear, on-present danger.”
Green had just 15 minutes to wake his neighbours and save them, using the turkey baster as a hose. Although the unquestioning hero was relieved to find so many people standing outside waiting for him, he was surprised that most were holding cameras. “It was a stroke of luck really, I’d never heard of the Neighbourhood Night Watch before,” declared Green. “They assured me they would remember my actions for a long time, and Derek said I looked ‘very smart’. It was a tense situation, there was a lot of nervous laughter.”
The neighbours ushered the ‘fairy of mercy’ to a gift-wrapped communal donkey at the end of the cul-de-sac, next to a bucket of eggnog. After twenty minutes or so, everyone agreed that Green had covered their ass for long enough. “In that costume, he looked like an angel bearing a message of how we might be saved”, chuckled his neighbour, Derek. “It’s nice to get together with all our friends for the annual ‘naivety play’, there’s something about Christmas that makes people believe the daftest of stories.”