[digitally remastered in anticipation...]
It has been described as the ultimate feel-good story, an anthem sung by a choir made up entirely of the wives of Britain's heroic footballers, and it has now taken the coveted Christmas Number One spot. The story has even make an unlikely star of lead singer Cheryl Cole, wife of the Chelsea left back, who has hitherto led a quiet life of shopping, gyrating in her underwear and talking unintelligibly about cosmetics.
More remarkable still, the lyrics were put together entirely from messages texted by the WAGs to their footballers and set to music by choirmaster Gareth Malone. '(You Better Not Be Shagging Some Skank) When You're Away From Me' has touched the heart of the nation, making people aware of the sacrifices made by the women who are facing up to a lonely Boxing Day with their loved ones away to West Bromwich Albion.
Malone said that he was hugely privileged to work with these inspirational ladies. Who, he asked rhetorically, could fail to be moved by lyrics like
Missin u loads babes
Hope u score but not like dat!!!
Get onto ur agent NOW
I cant live off of 20k a week
'The papers have focused on the courageous men serving at the front of the Arsenal line on cold Wednesday nights in Sunderland,' said Cole. 'But they shouldn't forget the women stuck on their own back here with nothing but 75 pairs of gold shoes for company. It's us who keep things going on the home front by switching off the snooker room lights and getting someone in to clean out the jacuzzi.'
It was touch and go all the way to the nerve-wracking moment when Radio One announced that the Footballers' Wives had indeed clinched the top spot in the charts. They had faced tough competition from Little Mix, Cliff Richard and Jive Bunny's remix of the Dead Kennedys classic 'Too Drunk to Fuck', finally securing the win by just a few hundred downloads.
'I think it would've been nailed on from the start if we could have got Victoria Beckham involved,' Cole said, 'but we have to respect the fact that she has a phobia about being heard singing in public.'