Record industry moguls Stock, Aitken and Waterman are to launch yet another
Minogue sibling on a barely-ready public after the girl escaped from a house in Melbourne where she had been locked away in a cupboard under the stairs for decades by her evil buxom sisters Kylie and Danii.
The fame-hungry girl, now in her thirties , has the head and tail of an averagely attractive rat, and possesses neither the singing prowess of Kylie, nor the ability to act as a judge on talent shows.
Ratti Minogue, as she has since been dubbed, was conceived out of wedlock during the seventies and was hidden away out of shame due to Australia’s strict promiscuity laws. Some have even suggested the child is a product of Australia’s state chimera breeding program, which spawned notable chart act and stranglewank victims INXS, plus Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds.
After announcing herself at a local police station, Ratti was given the telephone number of family friend Pete Waterman, who instantly offered Ratti a recording contract. But upon her arrival at the studios, so ghastly was her appearance that a cleaner vomited over the mixing desk and a nearby vocoder refused to work. Waterman, however, refused to be downbeat insisting that, despite her hideous countenance, Ratti had ‘a magnificent pair of tits’ and that, at least, was ‘something he could work with’.
Waterman is rumoured to have filmed a pop video in which Ratti performs a version of the hit ‘Locomotion’ on stage to an adoring crowd, but insiders suggest care was taken to ensure that she never turned her back to the audience and that her monstrous visage remained obscured throughout by a powerful jet of dry ice.
As a result of her tentative steps into the music business, Ratti has found love in the shape of former SAW recording artist Rick Astley, who shunned fame in the late eighties in order to help out at his father’s scrap metal business in Newton Le Willows. Astley, still shy of the public gaze , yesterday confirmed the pair were an item:
‘Ratti might lack the obvious allure of her sister Kylie and, it’s true, I sometimes have difficulty fitting her tail into my Renault Clio, but you have to look past the grotesque exterior and see the person within. We are deeply in love and I certainly haven’t ruled out marriage. And just take a butchers at those charlies will you !’
Due to her family connections, Ratti is also to be offered a brief role in hit soap Neighbours where she is set to make a nuisance of herself by hanging around the bins at the back of Harold Bishop’s café scavenging for food, but her character will be tragically killed off after an irate Bishop calls in pest control.