As another generation of children face their first Christmas with the knowledge that Father Christmas is a mythical made up person, Lib Dems up and down the country face a bombshell of their own. It has been confirmed that Nick Clegg is also fictional character.
‘We are sorry for all the hurt and false hope caused by this lie’ Vince Cable told party members at a hastily arranged meeting. ‘After the mess that was Charles Kennedy, we wanted you to believe in someone better, someone for the future, and someone less drunk. Unfortunately this experiment got out of control and we inadvertently turned ‘Saint Nick’ into a Tory’.
The Liberal Democrats were forced to admit they had ‘made up’ Nick Clegg, as the actor who has been playing the role prepares to release his tell-all auto-biography. The ‘Lib Dem Stig’, or Anthony Rhys as he is known to his friends spoke at the launch of his book. ‘I was approached by the party to play this Nick Clegg character. I think they chose me because of previous experience playing Santa in shopping centres. All I had to do was become party leader, then, pretty much like playing Santa, spend the election build-up making promises of gifts I would never have to deliver. Not even life-long Lib Dems truly believed I could become Deputy Prime Minister.’
Reaction from the party faithful has been one of shock. Amy Sandler, 19 and a university student told us she became a party member because of this Nick Clegg character. 'I remember sitting on his lap. He looked me in the eyes and told me ‘of course I’ll abolish tuition fees’. I offered to write him a letter with all of the things I wished for, but instead he gave me a pledge card with everything I could ever want already on it’
Mr Rhys spoke to us to defend his recent actions. ‘When we got into the coalition, I think we were so shocked we didn’t know where to take my character’s story line, so I was told to just act statesman-like. The only inspiration I had was David Cameron, and seeing as I have always voted conservative, it only seemed right. But things have got a little strained recently. When Dave pissed off the French I slipped away from my ‘Clegg’ character and told everyone I agreed with his actions. I was then forced by the party onto Andrew Marr’s show to say that it was a disgrace. I think people have known for a long time Nick Clegg was fake, this just confirmed it.’
As the political world comes to terms with the shock announcement, Labour has also been forced to admit they are investigating claims that Tony Blair may have been a highly qualified actor. However these claims were dismissed by those we spoke to. ‘He really is that much of a prick’ said his agent, Peter Mandelson.