Theatre critics have slammed the performance of the lead midget in this season's EU pantomime, 'Jacques and the Banktalks'.
Understudy Nicolas Sarkozy took over the role some years ago from a young Jacques Chirac, who at the time was said to 'lack conviction'. But while Chirac's recent trial has shown the opposite is true, Sarkozy has been accused of trying to take all the credit.
"Sarkozy's performance lacks originality", claimed Nigel Hawton, a British panto observer who is legally restrained from shouting ‘it’s beyond you’. "Portraying the head of France as a short, angry despot who bunks up with his mistress and then tries to take over Europe? That's a pretty lazy interpretation of the role."
"Merkel on the other hand was a revelation. Who knew Germany could do 'cuddly'?”, asked Hawton. “She’s the only member of the cast who seems to take her role seriously, I can see her taking over the whole production before long. She’s really keen for everyone to get involved, she's even kept a spare seat for Cameron. I’m not sure he’ll change his mind though, he left half-way through their last little performance. He thinks she’s only interested in his money.”
Takings for this year's performance are down. "It's a bit of a worry, a lot of countries have expressed an interest in turning up and getting stuck in, but we haven't worked out how much to charge for tickets yet", explained one technocrat. "Cameron is the only one so far who’s turned it down completely, but in a way, that's a relief. No-one likes being continually heckled."
Sarkozy believes that his character ‘Jacques’ is the lead role, but for now, Merkel is happy to play the Giant. "Jacques may spend more time in the limelight, but we all know who has the real power", said Merkel. "Besides, I've told him that if I catch so much as a glimpse of his chopper, I'll be down on him like a ton of bricks."
Jacques and the Banktalks will run for an interminable period, but many fear it’s set for a drop in ratings. “Chirac understood how hard it is to flog a tired old show, he often gave out tickets to people who didn’t even turn up”, claimed Hawton. “There’s a lot of competition, we’re all agreed that ‘the show must go on’, but how do you take on the Chinese State Circus?”