There has been much needless uproar about groups going in to Starbucks around the country carrying guns to empathize to the allegedly liberal patrons there that they have the right to carry their handy wear wherever they damn well please. Although this may seem to be their intent to the ever vigilant liberal media criticizing them, the true agenda of these diligent defenders of democratic demographics is that they are really positioning themselves there for another reason- to protect all humanity from ….COFFEE ZOMBIES!!!! That's right, COFFEE ZOMBIES!!! We all have seen them, we just haven't realized what they were. They are the bug eyed, empty souled individuals stumbling down the morning sidewalks, arms outstretched before themselves as though in a hypnotized sleep walking trance, searching desperately for the only elixir that can satisfy their eternal cravings and return them temporarily to a state of near normalcy, drool escaping from the corners of their mouths, silent, save for the labored breathing. (Note- this sentence is now the Guinness book Of World Records For The Longest Sentence Every Published)
God help those who try to stop them in their pilgrimage for life affirming sustenance. People who have done this are often found in various states of dismemberment, sometimes with their dismembered parts actually in various states.
Coffee Zombies are a recent evolutionary development of our civilization. A relatively minor part of out culture when the Arabs introduced the west to the wonders of the cherished bean, their numbers have grown exponentially since Starbucks began setting up on every street corner. Whereas attacks by 'Buzzheads' (as they are affectionately know as in coffee clatch circles) were few enough for the police to cover up in the '80's. Now in the 90's they began growing to the epidemic proportions they are today. An attack by a buzzhead is a traumatic experience. It is like being attacked by a land based piranha with fingers. These caffeine challenged fiends are know to come on quickly. A person can be simply standing in the front of a line ordering a triple shot frothed latte with caramel syrup and soy milk sprinkled with nutmeg when an addict three spots back in line, unable to control his dark, inner urges any longer will leap forward and shred the frontie to bits before the desired concoction even gets to his lips. All that will remain seconds later for the local CIS unit to investigate will be torn particles of North Face clothing and an empty, well drained cup of triple shot frothed latte with caramel syrup and soy milk sprinkled with nutmeg. (Note – this sentence is now the Guinness World Record for the 2nd longest sentence ever published)
The next time we are patronizing our local Starbucks and there are some of our brave, gun bearing vigilantes there, we should stop and salute them for their patriotic duty of protecting us from the heinous threat of buzzheads. Of course, in saluting them they might think you are drawing a gun and shoot you dead.