Second House of Commons may be needed
We’ve all had that useless colleague, the one who swans about looking and sounding important but never does any actual fecking work. For more than a century, Britain has had a special warehouse to store the worst examples, safely keeping them away from the workplace. Located in central London, the House of Commons has brought relief to hundreds of businesses over the years. ‘I didn’t realise how much she was pecking at my head,' said Jenny, a sales manager from Wolverhampton
White House down
In the most damage done yet by an enemy of America, Donald Thump has turned the White House into a pile of rouble, sorry.., rubble. A spokes-denier said, 'No, nothing has happened and everything is fine. I SAID NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND EVERYTHING IS FINE. That noise? No, that's nothing, and certainly not collapsing masonry. And definitely not symbolic of what we're doing to the entire country. 'That missing entire front wall of the East Wing was like that when we got here
Jess Phillips should resign, just because
Our in house artist has provided this image of Postman Pat's cat and a crosshead screwdriver. Recent calls for the resignation of Jess Phillips have drowned out past calls for her resignation and a general sense of déjà vu. It's not so much that she needs sacking, it's just that her being a Minister is so damn weird. Said one voter, 'Do we need a reason to get rid of her? Oh, okay. How about - because she is a hypocritical performative narcissist. No? You want more? H
Tories Labour Conference hack goes unnoticed
Tory computer nerds thought they had scored a major PR victory over Labour when they hacked the geolocation service ‘What Three Words’. Unfortunately, no-one noticed. The correct What Three Words location for the Liverpool conference centre is square.jacked.slammed , which is already slightly amusing. The Tory hackers were able to change the descriptors regularly throughout the Labour conference. On the first day, the location was given as last.chance.saloon , which was l
Reform Party to declare racists as an oppressed minority
The Reform Party is to take action to level the playing field for racists, addressing the perception that there is something wrong with them. A spokesman, who clearly had something to get off his chest, gave us the following statement: ‘Racists are an oppressed minority, who should be protected from discrimination, ridicule and sneering. Other minorities are protected by law, and racists should be protected too. ‘We get shouted at in the street and when we go marching. Non-
Israel claims they and Hamas 'were on a break'
With strikes and gunshots again heard in all across Palestine again, an Israeli spokesperson has claimed today that they and Hamas, 'were on a break.' 'It’s all fine, we were on a break,' said Ben Bronten, an IDF official. 'We took some time out to see if we were over it all, and clearly we’re not. We both still have a lot of pent-up emotion, and that is going to come up in unexpected gunfire and missile strikes sometimes.” He went on to point out that sometimes truces were
Prince Andrew to stand back, again
I have decided to stand back from using certain titles, so henceforth I and the press won't be using 'Randy Andy' anymore. 'His former Royal Highness Randy Andy' is included. I am also ditching my remaining Royal patronages including Pizza Express. My Royal endorsement for Sure deodorant will remain as a necessity as I have, thankfully,learned how to sweat again. I will renounce my attendance at Christmas lunch with the King and will be tucking in at the Hungry Horse in Winds
Putin approves the sale of spud guns
President Donald Trump has said that his promise to sell Ukraine thousands of Tomahawk missiles is withdrawn because when he asked President Putin, Putin just tapped a file marked 'Epstein' and shook his head. So Ukraine aren't going to get the weapons that could potentially force a ceasefire, withdrawal and sudden fall for Putin from a high Kremlin window. Instead a range of weaponry has been given the green light by Putin to allow the war to continue until everyone is kil
Robert Jenrick pioneers new ventriloquist act with “Judgie”
Robert Jenrick, once considered a possible contender for leadership of the Conservative Party, has instead struck out in the direction of vaudeville. Holding up a puppet he called “Judgie”, which in fact consisted of nothing but a judge’s wig, he debuted his new act in front of Tory Party workers in a bizarre and surreal meeting in Pease Pottage. 'Hello, Judgie,' said Jenrick. “What have you been up to lately?' 'Well, I’ve been restricting people’s legal right to free assembl
Chancellor astonishes country after saying Brexit has harmed economy
There have been cries of "get away?", "Goodness me, that's a surprise" and "well I never." from commentators up and down the nation after Rachel Reeves has said that Brexit has harmed the economy. One economist tried to explain. "It turns out there's a link between losing £500M a week and the economy going down the crapper. Who'd have thought it?" In unrelated news, it has been announced that the British people are the most sarcastic in Europe.
