American coffee giant, Starbucks, has announced that it is to begin selling coffee enemas in an attempt to appeal to fatuous wind bags whom Starbucks is now considered “too mainstream.” Starbucks is still the largest coffee shop chain in the world but the once quietly cool coffee house has seen its position undermined by the emergence of boutique coffee shops offering cooler, more bespoke “proper” coffees.
The trend has been typified in recent weeks with high powered celebrities such as Sienna Miller shunning the humble latte. Miss Miller was photographed with a skinny goats milk“Cafe au Lait” with nutmeg, cinnamon and real Madagascan vanilla seeds (extra hot, hold the froth) in a stylish off-white cup, hand-made by angels, which was bought from a small student-owned shop in Camden that no-one can find.
This alarming trend has provoked leading coffee houses to target these niche markets, with Starbucks leading the way. Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbucks, outlined the his company’s new approach at a launch in Soho:
“Starbucks prides itself on providing coffee for the cool. When we started this, a latte was just a milky coffee. But we made it in into a latte. And people wanted to be seen with one of our Cappuccinos, whilst others sipped on their frothy coffees. But times change and it is time for us to change. We need to become the cutting edge of coffee once more. We present the new “Starbutts Enema” range.”
Coffee enemas are regularly recommended by non medically trained staff as a way to purify the body, as well as being a sure-fire way of developing a cardiac arrhythmia. The new range, which features several variations on established Starbucks favourites, such as the "Crapuccino", is targeted at the arts sectors and those who “like stuff to be cool and different, with a vague air of superiority.” The new beverages are all designed to be administered anally “for maximum coffee satisfaction [and] to increase the fluidity and spontaneity of their usual stream of consciousness.”
Leading coffee commentator, Roger Artisan, believes the new range could be revolutionary: ”Before this, a coffee was just something you drank to look cool in between smoking to look cool. But now it is something that you can look cool doing whilst not stopping doing anything else cool. You can read the Guardian “Review” section (ironically, of course) whilst talking about trees and the coffee just drips in from the rather spectacular mermaid-embossed “Murphy Drip”. And, of course, at Christmas they get out ‘The Red Ones’!”
However, the plans have sparked confusion in the markets and shareholder confidence was clearly knocked when plummeting prices sparked an urgent evacuation. In addition, early feedback from Starbucks customers has been less than effusive, with several patrons saying that the coffee wasn’t hot enough, whilst many also expressing concerns regarding the attending “Muff Ins” range.”