Contrary to the widely-held belief that referees do their best at an increasingly difficult job, a new study claims that they are actually jumped-up, self-important control freaks expressing their frustration and anger with the world through their shocking decisions.
The year-long study at Loughborough University examined what motivates people into becoming referees, given that they will receive little thanks, inadequate rewards and a lifetime of abuse. The disturbing conclusion is that they are driven by a deep hatred of football, and their irrational, inconsistent behaviour is due to severe psychological problems.
Head of Psychology at the University Dr. Keith Callow summarised the research. "We initially deduced that referees have a healthy love of the game and a desire to contribute to the huge enjoyment that football brings to so many people. However, the more we studied their backgrounds, the more we realised that referees' attitudes were almost the complete opposite. Although we now understand what causes these muppets to ruin our day out, I find it increasingly difficult to feel any sympathy for them or forgive them."
The study found that the majority of referees are shit at playing football themselves. This is possibly due to the fact that they didn't have fathers to teach them while they were growing up. It was also discovered that many were sad, nerdy, picked-on schoolkids, universally unpopular, inhabiting a desperately lonely world with no close friends. It is argued that the resulting intense feelings of jealousy of good footballers combined with a desire to exact revenge on the cruel world is the perfect recipe for a football referee.
It is even claimed that some referees are driven to referee in the Premiership by psychopathic tendencies. Dr. Callow explained, "Thankfully, bathing in the glory of the wrath of millionaire players and millions of fans around the world is sufficient reward for their efforts. But if they couldn't attract massive media attention through their refereeing, these officials could seek it by going berserk with a hunting rifle in a shopping centre."
The Referees' Association refused to comment on the study but a retired official admitted that there was some truth in the report. Mr Prosser said that the highlight of his refereeing career followed a particularly inept display where he managed to get the whole crowd singing 'Who’s the wanker in the black?'. Mr Prosser said, "It was fantastic to be the focus of everyone's attention. Then to show them who's the one with the power, I complained to the FA about them being racist."