Following the success of its 'Opium' range over several decades, Yves Saint Laurent, the French smelly-water factory, is now pushing a new pong.
"' 'Opium' was certainly a big hit for us, with its rather dreamy, languorous, euphoric motif" said YSL Director of Marketing, Francois Dubois, at today's Paris product launch. Opium has now been on the streets for over 35 years but Dubois insists it will continue to be the main line of their operation. "Opium stays for sure, but we wanted to broaden our appeal; to include the marching powder eyes-wide-open city trader & investment banker market. And it's there that we expect 'Cocaine' to score heavily."
"Obviously we're not using real cocaine. That would be illegal. And in any event, this year's container shipment was only just big enough for our sales and marketing guys. Also, even when heavily diluted for err.. discreet transportation, it's much more expensive than the tap water which accounts for our industry-standard 'contcontenu pur d'eau par le volume' of just over over 99.5%."
Partly because YSL is still paying royalties on every bottle of Opium sold, YSL management took the decision to use more economical in-house chemists for the new range "Our team has fully repaid our confidence in them. They searched long and hard for a really sharp, astringent effect and came up with what we believe will be a winning formula. Although that formula itself will remain a closely guarded secret, I can let you know that a careful blend of lemon juice and battery acid is its foundation. It certainly opened my eyes I can tell you. And my nostrils. In my opinion, its an absolute class A product."
"We were of course keen to keep costs down and the team managed to cut a good deal to source our lemons second-hand from BBC's 'The Weakest Link'. After Ann Robinson has finished sucking them. They were also able to help with the battery acid, and as a freebie a stock of unused wrinkle cream, which saved on shipping costs."
It seems that YSL are not resting on their laurels. If Cocaine sells well, says Dubois, they already have further similarly must-have products in the pipeline; good news for fans of very expensive water who are bored with 'mineral' and 'spring' variants. "'Unfortunately our 'Face of Ketamine' was to be Amy Winehouse and we've had to delay the launch of our 'tranquilised horse' range until 2013, out of respect for the family. Selfish bitch? I think so! Anyway, after careful thought we've decided instead to bring forward the 'Skunk' release by 12 months. Although the name is proving to be something of a challenge to our advertising agency."