The producers of the new James Bond film, Skyfall, which is scheduled for release next summer, have revealed that the suave double agent will be driving a second-hand 2004 Ford Focus as he fights evil and beds beautiful women for Britain.
‘We have always made an effort to keep the franchise fresh and up-to-date,’ said producer Graham F. Nisbet, ‘and since every other car on the road these days seems to be a bloody Ford Focus, we thought we should put Bond in one. I can’t understand why they’re so friggin’ popular, I mean, it has all the style and panache of some cow turds in a burlap sack. I see people driving this car and I ask myself: “why would they want to look they’re driving around in the face of a depressed, middle-aged divorcee?” It really is the blandest, least appealing piece of junk on wheels. But anyway, it’s what people drive, so there you go. Putting Bond in one gives him a more human feel, like he’s one of us at heart.’
The car will, of course, feature a range of gadgets to keep the rakish spy one step ahead of his enemies. ‘There’ll be three cup holders,’ said production designer Ken Fisher, ‘we’ve customised the glove box to give it more space, and there’ll be two nuclear warheads mounted under the bonnet, each with the capacity to destroy an entire city in seconds.’
In addition to updating the lecherous womaniser’s car, the producers have made a few other minor tweaks in an attempt to keep the franchise contemporary. They have given M an iPad 2, the plot will involve hard-line Islamic fundamentalists attempting to bring down the west, Bond will spend a lot of time onscreen carrying out mundane administrative tasks such as filing and adding information to databases, and the star of the film, Daniel Craig, will play the character as an ethnically diverse mother of two, living in a Brixton council flat and struggling to cope with the harsh economic realities of modern Britain.