His wife, today confirmed that John, Theorizing that one could time travel within his own life insurance policy, led an elite group of fellow canoeists into the centre of Geneva to develop a top-secret project known as CERN. Pressured to prove his theories or lose funding, John prematurely stepped into the Large Hadron Collider, and vanished.
He awoke to find himself in the very near future, suffering from severe groinal abrasions and facing a mirror image that was not his own, but more of a squiggly particle thingy. Fortunately, contact with his own time was maintained through Twitter and Facebook on his HTC, that only John can see.
Trapped in the very near future, Canoe Man finds himself leaping from experiment to experiment, not really achieving very much at all, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap onto the front pages of New Scientist.