Following a bitterly disappointing disengagement by David Cameron from a central role at the EU negotiation table, Nick Clegg has staged a one man protest against the UK’s isolation in Europe.
‘It is crucially important that the UK is a key player in the debates and negotiations of the European Union,’ said Nick Clegg from his lonely bedroom, ‘The only reason I entered politics was to actively and fully engage in debates about the central issues of the day. I did not want to storm out of the debate in a teenage tantrum, just like David did. In protest against his decision I did the only thing that I could do: sit in my room, alone, listening to my favourite music, while everyone else talked about things in the House of Commons.’
Downing Street officials have confirmed reports that Nick Clegg sat in his bedroom playing music very loudly and was, at times, singing modified lyrics. The mood from his room was reflective, heartbroken, and despondent. It appears that Mr Clegg was changing some of the words of some of the more moving love songs. Some civil servants claimed to have heard Mr Clegg singing ‘I will always love EU’ to the famous Whitney Houston track; ‘I can’t live, with or without EU’ to U2; and, after some time on the telephone, the Stevie Wonder song ‘I just called to say I love EU’.
As the day progressed and the debate in the Commons raged on, Mr Clegg’s choice of music became more obviously symbolic. He was reportedly heard making repeated offensive chants when he played Rage Against the Machine. Alanis Morrisette’s ‘You Oughta Know’ was played on repeat and at high volume for a considerable time. A little later the mood turned more sombre. Civil servants became concerned when Joy Division and the Smiths were heard. For a time it was mooted whether or not to force entry to Mr Clegg’s lonely bedroom to interrupt his petulant isolation and check on his well-being. Fortunately, before any action was taken the depression appeared to lift and Downing Street was alive to a sing-along version of Donna Summer’s ‘I Will Survive’.