A fanatical music fan had a moment of clarity this week, when he realised that 'The X Factor' wasn't specifically made for his entertainment. Jeremy 'The Rage' Osthwaite is considered to be 'the muso's muso' and has a collection of nearly 7,000 albums on vinyl. But his credibility is now under threat, after expressing the view that pop talent shows are 'just a bit of fun'.
Osthwaite has been admired in the past for his uncompromising approach to musical credibility. Expelled from school at 15 for setting fire to a Bros pencil case, Osthwaite is no stranger to controversy. He is a committed fan of Norwegian drone metal (Torstën-school, nothing with Öllsejk influence) and famously claimed that 'pop is for retards' at his niece’s ninth birthday.
Osthwaite was determined to get upset about the latest light entertainment series, and watched every episode with his family, in order to ridicule it. "I even set up a Twitter account to moan about it, and tweet things like 'you wouldn't hear Klaus Dinger prostituting himself #xfactor'", sighed the dedicated music fan. "For some reason, I thought I could persuade the nation's under-12s to listen to experimental German 'Motorik', with a focus on timbral change. I now realise I was being a dick."
"My main concern was that their sort of insipid, predictably rhythmic tunes were ruining 'real' music", explained Osthwaite. "But they have no effect on the bands I listen to at all. Partly because they're just making easy-listening pop music for children. And also because I refuse to listen to anything recorded after 1979."
Recent winners of popular singing contests have gone on to dominate the pre-teen media landscape. Osthwaite now realises that he's only managed to maintain his outrage at manufactured pop by tracking their every fanzine. "I was becoming obsessed", admitted Osthwaite, "I started encouraging my kids to bring their CDs with them on family car trips. I remember on one outing to Wales, I forgot to complain that they weren’t real bands because they don’t play instruments or write their own songs. I even found myself tapping along.” Osthwaite was visibly upset by the memory. “I hadn’t felt so ashamed since my daughter caught me in the shed, stroking my kudos to Radio 1.”
Osthwaite is at peace with himself now, and can even listen to compilation albums without moaning. “I guess when it comes down to it, you can listen to whatever you like, and these manufactured acts aren’t likely to detract from the music I love”, said the proto-prog rocker. “They only cover pop songs anyway. You can't tarnish a turd.”