Gastro pubs and over priced French eateries all over middle England have reported a disturbing rise of violent incidents as middle class diners insist on paying for everything.
"I like to demonstrate that I'm relatively unaffected by the economic downturn by loudly insisting on paying for a meal when out with friends." Said Malcolm Tusher, a banker from middle England. "If people have a problem with that then no, I'm not afraid to get physical."
This attitude appears to be increasingly common as the UK witnesses a sharp rise of increasingly bloody disputes over bill paying, between people who would usually be seen swanning around Kensington wearing v neck sweaters tied over their shoulders, perhaps giving a shoulder ride to one of their ghastly children, doubtless named 'Oscar' or 'Rufus'.
"I couldn't believe what I was seeing." Said Jean Piere, a waiter who witnessed a particularly violent struggle between one suitably well off group. "One moment they were just arguing, and saying things like, 'but Nigel, we simply insist on getting this one', and 'please let us, you got the theatre tickets after all', and the next moment chairs were flying and women were screaming. It was utter mayhem."
We managed to track down an ex 'payer' who has talked candidly about his experiences, and wishes to remain anonymous. "If I'm being honest we used to go out looking for trouble, me and my crew that is. We'd organise a trip to the theatre with unsuspecting friends, followed by an expensive meal, and at the end one of us would slap our card on the table, and declare that it was on us and 'we wouldn't take no for an answer'. Things would usually kick off after that."
When asked why he used to spend his evenings this way, he just shrugs. "It was a laugh wasn't it? You feel like a big man, when you're picking up the bill with your mates. I know it made other people feel small, and I yeah sometimes I feel bad about that, but if I'm being honest, I'd probably do it all again given the chance."