Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish has been having private tuition this week, in an attempt to get him to understand that racist comments and persistent cheating from one of his players are bad things. The tutor, an Everton fan, was also extremely keen to explain offensive hand gestures to Dalglish.
‘He’s not making great progress to be honest, I’ve tried to convince him to remove his red-tinted glasses but he’s having none of it, I think he’s afraid of the real world.’ said tutor Michael Wykes, ‘We started with lesson 1 – ‘Why being mean to somebody because of the colour of their skin is a bad thing’ but he couldn’t grasp the concept that a player wearing a Liverpool shirt might have done something wrong.’
‘I moved on to trying to explain that just because one of his players hits the deck, and screams like a 4 year old girl, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it was a foul. But he just played me a video of Luis Suarez falling over and not being given a free kick, despite swearing really loudly at the referee, and claimed that was discrimination.’
Dalglish’s nickname of ‘King Kenny’, given to him by the adoring Anfield faithful, has also begun to be adopted by a wider section of football fans after his continued claims that his side are being persecuted by referees. Non-Liverpool fans are tending to prefix the moniker with the letters ‘fuc’ though, in statements such as ‘Here’s that fucking Kenny Dalglish again, blathering on about how his squad of expensively assembled mediocrity don’t get any decisions go their way, boo hoo hoo.’
If Wykes is successful in getting his message across he also hopes to address Dalglish’s selective memory. ‘Ever since he publicly complained that he thought Liverpool were being unfairly treated by referees, 2 weeks after they’d won against Arsenal with 2 goals that were both offside, he’s been a bit of an embarrassment to himself really. The only time he didn’t want to talk about the ref was when Rodwell was wrongly sent off for Everton, but he can’t see the hypocrisy in that for some reason.’
Liverpool fans have reacted angrily to the news that their idol may not be perfect, by posting a huge amount of mindless drivel on Twitter, mostly including the phrase ‘We’ve won it 5 times’. The hashtag #YNWA on their posts is believed to be a badly spelled attempt at expressing how boring their views are.