The government has announced a policy shift away from meeting the needs of ‘the taxpayer’, a spokesperson announced yesterday.
“ "Taxpayer" is a very nebulous concept”, she continued. “There is very little that unites taxpayers as a group, other than that they all pay tax, obviously. We keep finding that as soon as we design a policy to meet someone's needs, someone else objects.”
“So from now on, we are going to try and achieve a much higher success rate in terms of customer satisfaction by developing policy that meets the needs of non-taxpayers. These people usually live overseas or hire expensive tax lawyers, or both. As a group, their needs are much more consistent than those of taxpayers.”
New policies being drafted by civil servants include the scrapping of state-funded education, introducing a pay-as-you-go system for operations on the NHS, and a 99% duty cut on vintage champagne.