This week in 'generic weekly lads mag', we've got 30 pages of women's breasts accompanied by funny captions, pictures of cars which you probably can't afford, and an exclusive interview with Dr Patel, proctologist to the stars!!!!
P.S. That's right lads, a proctologist deals with people's areses!!!!!!!!!!
##So first question, what's it like looking at people's bums all day?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"It's just a job, and my job is to examine the human body for abnormalities and signs of disease."
##Ohh errr, that sounds a bit abnormal!!!! What about hot birds though? Do you ever get a semi when you're, ahem, having a rummage?!!!!!
"Not at all, there is no sexual context to what I do. Like I said, it's an examination of someone's body, which happens to take place via the rectum. A doctor who found that sexually stimulating would be voilating their code of conduct in a very serious way."
##But sometimes women's arses are pretty nice.... in a very serious way!!!!!!!!!!! But seriously doc, who's the best bum you've ever stuck your finger into?
"It's not a procedure that I would find in any way stimulating, it's not about the 'best', it's about checking someone's body via a rectal examination for illnesses, and unfortunately in some cases, cancer."
##Cancer?! That's a bucket of cold water on the nads!!! So you're telling me that if Kylie herself came into your orafice, ahem, I mean office!!!! You wouldn't be tempted to talk her into letting you 'give her one', if you know what I mean!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Definitely not, persuading a patient that he or she needed a rectal examination, when in fact they didn't need one, would be extremely unethical, and also illegal."
##Unwhatacal?!!! Not sure if I like your diagnosis doc! Okay, last question, if you're out with the lads and you see a bird with an absolutely cracking arse, what lines have you got that are guaranteed to let her give you a butchers?!!!!!
"That would be an inappropriate context in which to discuss proctology, however if you do have any concerns regarding that area of your body please contact your GP as soon as possible."
##Err...thanks Doc. Wow, he was boring!!!! I'm surprised he's not an anesthetist!!! Don't worry lads, next week we've got an exclusive 2 page interview with Danny Dyer, who talks about his latest film, 'Jamacin me crazy' in which he plays a lovable football hooligan, who gets talked into acting as a reluctant drug mule to some Jamacan yardies, resulting in approximately 90 minutes of utter hilarity, as two different accents cause all manner of mishaps!!! Don't miss it!!