The dilemma: I love the planet, and want to save it for future generations. However, I also enjoy hand jobs from anonymous escorts. Are hand jobs ‘green’, or should I feel guilty about paying strangers to draw me to an inevitable conclusion?
Well, your question has certainly got us worked into a bit of a lather, I can tell you! You don’t tell us whether it’s men or women that raise your awareness, but hand jobs on the face of it appear to have fairly low emissions, most of the time.
To answer your question, we flew a team of researchers to Thailand, where we used an experienced team of prostitutes to get to the meat of the matter. Some of our findings were surprising, and a couple of our team discovered more than they bargained for. Compared to more vigorous services, an efficient hand job can use up to 83% less energy, but that doesn’t paint a full picture. If you don’t think carefully about the full impact of your hobby, you could find yourself with a sticky wicket.
There are things you can do to keep your carbon as neutral as possible: use public transport to kerb crawl, lay as still as possible and think of England’s environmental commitments, perhaps plant a tree to offset and feelings of guilt. It’s fun to worry loudly at dinner parties about mundane things that appear harmless, it shows the other guests how much more you care than they do. But from our tests, paying for hand relief is a difficult subject to get to grips with in polite company, people might think you should be more self-indulgent.
I’m sorry, but there’s no happy ending.