With only a week remaining until the nation goes to the polls the three X-Factor finalists have been announcing a string of poorly thought out, impractical policies and promises, designed to give them a short-term popularity boost. The competition is tipped to be closer than ever, and with many people already having made up their mind who they will be voting for, it is the relatively small number of swing voters that could decide the winner.
‘The remaining contestants are well aware of how tight this could be.’ explains the BBC’s political editor Nick Robsinson, ‘So, much like Nick Clegg, they are each targeting specific groups of voters with promises they know they have no way of keeping. It could all come down to who does the best job of sounding sincere while announcing tax cuts they are in no position to deliver. Will Amelia Lily’s reduction in fuel duty prove more popular than Little Mix’s improved public sector pensions? Only time will tell.’
Marcus Collins has announced the most ambitious list of insincere promises in an attempt to add to his current fan base. Cuts in road tax, alcohol and tobacco duties will be coupled with increased spending on health and education, along with six extra bank holidays. This has led to claims that, if elected, he will make the budget deficit even bigger than under the last Labour government.
‘I won’t be voting for Marcus anyway, no matter what he promises.’ said one unimpressed voter, ‘I never used to vote because I was disenfranchised with the whole system, but somebody explained to me that people had fought and died in two World Wars for my democratic right to call a premium rate phone line, so I thought I better had really. I don’t particularly understand any of it, so I’ll just be voting for Little Mix as that’s what my family have always done. My dad voted for Little Mix, and his dad before him, all the way back to my great-granddad, so I guess I’ll just follow tradition and vote for Little Mix.’
When asked to explain how he will manage to balance the budget despite reducing revenue and increasing spending Marcus responded with an emotional, cliché-laden statement.
‘I’m not really sure about the numbers to be honest but I spoke to Gordon Brown and he assured me it’s possible. I just can’t believe I’m in the final, this is an amazing opportunity and I’m so happy to be here, it’s a dream come true and I don’t want it to end.’ said Marcus, before bursting into tears.