The BBC has announced plans for a new digital channel, specifically designed to apologise for all of the popular monopoly’s output. BBC Sorry will be available in the new year, its launch timed to tie in with a new series of Top Gear.
Director General of the BBC Mark Thompson hailed the new channel, then apologised immediately for raising his voice. “BBC Sorry won’t compliment our other channels, but it will grovel for them”, confirmed Thompson. “We owe it to the journalists that tell our viewers what they should think, to give them a dedicated service that nods sagely and agrees with them.”
Thompson met some resistance in the planning stages of BBC Sorry. “Some of our presenters think it’s our job to defend them when something they say is used as the basis for a lazy personal attack by journalists with an agenda. But that’s a very confrontational attitude, it’s much easier to look sad, stare down at your shoes and assure everyone that it won’t happen again.”
Some of the BBC’s most recent apologies have been more popular than the programmes that caused offence in the first place. Wilfully misconstrued comments made by Jeremy Clarkson have caused so much mock outrage that viewers are actually considering watching The One Show in future. “But only the bits that have been edited to cause offence, it’ll be much easier when BBC Sorry shows the highlights”, declared Derek Compton, a teacher at a Warwickshire comprehensive school.
Compton feels aggrieved that he wasn’t offended by the motoring journalist when he watched the show live with his wife. “As a geography teacher, I’ve always suspected Clarkson wears a jacket and jeans as some sort of personal slight”, complained Compton, “so I make a point of watching him, and shouting at the telly.”
Despite seeing the programme, Compton hadn’t realised just how offended he should have been until he read about it later in The Guardian. “Taking what he said completely out of context does make him seem much worse, so I think he should be sacked”, agreed Compton. “But not straight away. Let’s see him squirm a bit first.”
In the meantime, the BBC has fitted Clarkson and other presenters who say things with their own ‘red button’ service. Viewers are urged to seek out programmes that might offend them, and press the button to watch Mark Thompson wringing his hands and crying like a baby. “Some people seem to get off on being offended, so we have high hopes for BBC Sorry”, said Thompson. “It’s amazing how open-minded people are these days to full-affrontal porn.”