Oxford Street in Central London was closed to the poor yesterday amid fears of crushing debt. Further such closures may now be in place every weekend in the run up to Christmas.
'We have spent 11 months telling people that they have no money, and that next year they will have less, but they still insist on spending at Christmas' a Government spokesman told us. 'The closure of London's main shopping street will hopefully see them shop at markets and Lidl'
'Credit checks will now be carried out at Marble Arch and Tottenham Court Road ends of Oxford Street to prevent those with poor ratings, or anyone who has used Wonga.com from spending more borrowed money. As a precaution for next year, we are considering banning Christmas for those with a household income of less than £25,000.'
Christian organisations have reacted with anger to the idea of cancelling their most popular festival. 'It is the one time of year everyone remembers they used to believe in God, and celebrates with their families, sharing gifts, and loads of time of work.' The Archbishop of Canterbury told us. 'If these plans go ahead, we will have no other option but to turn to Christian extremism. We will 'blow up' a bouncy castle, and have a public 'sponging' of Reverend Hall at a fundraising fete'