Starmer answers critics
Prime Minister (at the time of writing) Keir Starmer has hit back at critics who say the ban on under 16s using social media is unworkable. Stating that critics have no idea how easy it is for government to monitor online activity of citizens, he laid out the punishments being considered for children who break the new law. First offenders will be fined two packets of Panini stickers and a vape, with repeat offenders having their houses raided, all computers and phones confisc
Burnham: I'll say whatever it takes to solve UK's problems
"I give this pledge to the Labour Party and the electorate about what I am resolved to do," said Prime Ministerial hopeful and T-shirt model Andy Burnham. "I will be fearless in saying everything in my power to become leader and make Britain happy. "I will state, forthrightly and in no uncertain terms, that it's time to defy Labour's bleeding heart, left-wing backbenchers, slash welfare spending and boost Britain's defences. "I will also be utterly resolute in saying that we
British troops flung aboard Shadow fleet tanker
There is no issue with resources in the MoD, insisted a moustachioed cartoon officer with an infeasibly large number of stripes. The official press release is clear. 'Valiant British troops took the unusual step of boarding the shadow tanker by trebuchet, because the unit's helicopter is stuck in Kwik-Fit awaiting the correct windscreen wiper. Four men hit the water and two hit the side of the ship, but three men successfully boarded. 'The three heavily armed soldiers advance
Doctors warn of vile new summer parasite
"Summer is known to bring the risk of infection from the cryptosporidium parasite, flatworms and ticks," said a spokes-stephoscope for the Brutish Summertime Medical Association. "But a new parasite has evolved which is a million times more malignant than any of those. "We call it the Purecoldrage parasite. It thrives by sucking up all the anger, bile and hatred which lurks inside the minds of Britain's most grumpy people and then releasing it into the general population in m
Trump hails massive US debt
Donald Trump is talking up the advantages of America's massive debts. The US national debt is 39 trillion dollars, mostly borrowed from other countries. And the debt continues to get bigger, as government spending rises and the tax take fails to keep up. The President said, 'Owing so much money gives the USA a massive advantage. Other countries must be very nice to us, or we might not pay the money back.' The President appears to overlook the issue of debt repayment. The US d
60% of children walking to school by 2035—the rest should drive themselves
The Government proposes that most kids should make active travel plans, while the others need to pass their driving license sharpish. Guidance includes strapping several lunchboxes to their feet to reach the pedals — the heavier the sandwiches, the safer the braking. A Minister explained, "We will provide child-friendly routes, by attaching a small bell to the bonnet that rings louder the closer they get to doing something ill-advised. We'll install unnecessary buttons that c
Oblivion crisis deepens
While the government has worked hard to reduce the amount of foreigners entering the country by boat, plane and bus replacement service, the real problem is the increase in Oblivions. 'Superficially they look like us, speak like us and are seemingly embedded in our culture,' said a government spokesman today, 'but they hunt in packs, taking non-oblivions down every day,' he added. Oblivions walk around supermarkets, stopping suddenly or turning without notice in front of othe
Starmer: I'll bore all Britain's problems to death
'I urge Labour not to replace me as leader with anyone like Burnham or Streeting until they seriously compare their abilities to solve Britain's problems with my own,' droned Sir Keir. 'I have an amazing talent," he continued to mumble, nasally. "I can sit opposite a hardened teetotaller and talk to them and within two minutes they're wondering whether 10 am is an OK time to start drinking. 'Within ten minutes, they are well and truly comatose. 'That's how I have been able to
Major exchange of rockets deal announced by Trump’s Board of Exchanging Rockets
Trump boasted of a literal groundbreaking exchange of rockets deal to commence this Monday. Both Iran and Israel agreed to extend the exchange of rockets by another two weeks. This is another win for Trumps Board of Exchanging Rockets, that was a major factor in the exchanging of rockets agreement. Since he was given unrestricted power, the current US President at time of going to press, has started eight new exchanges of rockets between various countries. He was recently awa
Tories: No policy on housing
The Conservative Party has no policy on housebuilding, as party grandees reckon that this is the safest option. 'House building policy is a nightmare,' a policy spokesperson told us. 'Everyone understands lack of supply drives prices up. Good news for some but bad news for most. There's broad agreement that we need more houses - but not in my neighbourhood. 'Landlords are cashing in and giving up - but everyone hates landlords, so we can't do anything for them. Renters are be
